I gave up my weekly galavanting at trivia last night to pour myself some pinot noir and work on becoming a witch. As if I need to tell you, American Horror Story: Coven premiered last night — titled “Bitchcraft”, fuck yes — and now all I want to do is dig up (hopefully) some magical genetics that (fingers crossed) my mother forgot to disclose to me.

Oh, warning — there are spoilers all over this mother fucking thing because I believe that once it airs it’s fair game. I know you may now hate me, but them’s the rules in my book and I’m warning you here.

Alas, I couldn’t lift my car with a finger swish as I had my intermission cigarette last night, but all in good time, right? As long as I have The Supreme Jessica Lange inspiring voodoo glamour, I won’t stop trying.

The Five Surprises

1) Violet and Tate are together again! In this Romeo & Juliet-esque opening, they are mysteriously drawn to each other, and a doomed relationship is in the cards. However, they are (obvs) not V&T anymore, but now Zoe and Kyle. And he’s in a frat. And she’s a witch. Dooooooooom. DOOOOOOOOOMMMMM.

2) The mother fucking CAST, y’all! We have the formers (Jessica Lange, Taissa Farmiga, Evan Peters, Sarah Paulson, Frances Conroy, Lily Rabe, Jamie Brewer *squeeee Addie!*….and we will see Alex Breckenridge (sexy maid Moira from S1) and Denis O’Hare later). We have the legends (Angela Bassett, Kathy Bates, Gabourey Sidibe). We have the hotties (Emma Roberts, Grey Damon).

3) The sex. The episode opened with a theme of sexual misconduct and closed with Zoe getting her danger fuck on. They’re all over 18, so hey, it’s fair game, but bunches of young hotties moving into the bone zone, I’ll tell ya.

4) Which brings me to four. ~~Violet~~ Zoe can’t have sex without killing her partner. Remember Rogue in X-Men? Lot like that. Except when she’s actually gettin’ it in, dude has an “aneurysm” and dies. It happened twice last night and OH THE BLOOD!

5) Just this sentence: Fiona (JLange) snorts coke in an open-aired and lofty room while dancing in chiffon as the trippy In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida plays and she ends up sucking the life from a dude à la Hocus Pocus and it’s elegantly wicked.

The Five Questions

1) Has anyone noticed how in each of the seasons, gigantic and regal staircases seem to be the crux of emotion, drama, and death?

2) We still want to know what the hell the woman eating the white snake in the promos had to do with anything.

3) We know that Kyle was killed in the bus explosion but we also know that they use magic to bring him back. Is this going to get stupid and frankenstein monster-ish or can we work the angle of Misty Day using some resurrection skills?

4) Will Madison Montgomery continue to be a “self-involved party girl” or will she understand how to work in compassion with her holier-than-thou outlook? Will she really help Zoe bring back Kyle or is it a trick? Is she the new Voldemort?

5) How long will Angela Bassett and Gabourey (Queenie) be with us? They are only listed as guest stars and that makes me nervous. What is Queenie’s power, anyway?

I highly recommend watching this during the actual show time, at night, in the cold, and with some wine. You feel so…witchy. Some more fun facts: say hello to New Orleans! They’re shooting on location, and somehow you really do feel the chill of the haunted history through your screen. Also, be prepared for some racial and political undertones, much of that we saw last night. It will make you cringe to watch what Kathy Bates’ character does to her slaves, but try to focus on her impeccable french accent and don’t blame her for reenacting history so evilly and perfect.

So in this little round-up, it’s a much better start than last year’s stupid Asylum where we were supposed to believe that Tate was banging that French chick. Nope nope nope. T&V forever.